


Red-Hearted (Or Clark x Metallo 5eva!)

by Apeygirl



Series: Smallville Crackfics [2]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 05:24:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8132111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Apeygirl/pseuds/Apeygirl
Summary: Sequel of sorts to Taming The Beast. What if they had succeeded in getting that red K heart into Metallo before Clark investigated and got infected? How might things have played out? It's the crackiest possible reimagining of Upgrade I could come up with. I remember when the spoilers for Upgrade first came out, I thought Metallo's new heart being made out of Red K was like a cracky, hoYay dream come true. I mean, season 9 had Clark drugged up twice. TWICE! And nobody wrote a smutty crackfic. Seems wrong somehow.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So there was this event created by the always hilarious Firebunny back in the day. It was called "Drug an Alien Day" and everyone was instructed to put Clark under the influence of something, hopefully to silly or smutty ends, because we Chlarkers were all pretty bummed about about the show around then. 
> 
> Like in Taming the Beast, I've found new ways to abuse the English language. But instead of abusing heroic adjectives and adverbs, I will be abusing the words most often used to describe RedK!Clark. Off to brush off my thesaurus. And over-use alliteration.
> 
> Warning: Smut abounds, sanity... not so much. This fic is pervy, immoral and, should you die reading it, you are going straight to HELL.

Clark tapped away at Chloe's keyboards with sexy, fiendish concentration. He knew what he had to find. Had known it since the strange moment in the underground lab when everything had become clear. Tess' labs, Zod, Kandorians, whatever the hell Lois was doing. What did any of it matter now? He'd come straight here, not even stopping to steal things, hit on bar skanks, kidnap pregnant women, or shop for leather pants, even though all the impulses were there and had been since he broke into the underground lab... for some unknown reason.  
  
"Clark Kent at the keyboard," Chloe said behind him. "Have I been downsized in the beaurocratic world of super..."  
  
"Damn it, Chloe! I'm too busy for pithy comments!" Clark snarled depravedly, turning on her.  
  
"See? This is why we don't hang out anymore." Chloe sighed and dropped her purse. "Why do you even keep me around if I can't make pithy comments or wear low cut tops?"  
  
"I never told you to stop wearing low-cut tops." He stared at her grannyish jacket in debauched thoughtfulness. "Why did you, anyway?"  
  
She shrugged. "You didn't deserve to see it anymore. I mean, it's not like we're having sex these days."  
  
"You're right," he said, his voice loathefully, lusciously low. "I could use a distraction. Clear my head. Take off the ugly top."  
  
"What?" She snorted. "You can't be serious."  
  
"I am serious. I'm also selfishly horny and petulant. I have been since I broke into Tess' underground lab earlier." _And found love._  
  
She crossed her arms. "You expect me to have sex with you? Now?"  
  
"Yes. Then I want to find another coat, maybe leather this time. Then I want to have sex again. It'll help me think. Then I'll probably want to eat. Then..."  
  
"This is ridiculous! We haven't had sex since Davis and Jimmy elaborately faked their deaths and ran off to Vermont together."  
  
"Exactly. Why is that? It's not like they were really dead."  
  
"Well, someone else was dead."  
  
"What? No one else was dead," he said with impish impatience. "Now could you take off your shirt already?"  
  
She rolled her eyes. "You, Clark. You said _you_ were dead."  
  
"Well, you wouldn't have sex with me anymore!"  
  
"Well, you refused to rewind time and stop Jimmy from stealing Davis from us!"  
  
"Davis was cured. He didn't need us to tame his beast anymore."  
  
"That didn't mean we shouldn't have kept trying!" She sighed sadly. "Now all I have is the videos."  
  
"You have videos?"  
  
"Not that I'll show you."  
  
"Fine. Don't. Just have sex with me," he sneered with revolting resoluteness as he leaned down.  
  
"No. Never. You have a girlfriend and I have a... something. We're not labeling it. Anyway, we never _just_ had sex. We protected each other from Davis. With sex. There's a difference. Then you had to go and ruin it by letting Jimmy into the whole thing to steal our redeemable hero!"  
  
"Would you stop harping on that? They were in love!" He sighed. "Like I am now."  
  
"So you and Lois are really that serious? See?" She moved to him. "That's exactly why I don't get your sudden..."  
  
"How can you talk about Lois at a time like this?"  
  
She threw up her hands. "Then with who?" She crossed her arms. "And don't you dare say with me because that's not working anymore."  
  
"Fine." He moved to the desk. "Don't have sex with me. I will renew my search for my one true love."  
  
"Is Lois missing?"  
  
"Could you stop talking about Lois? This is serious!" He opened the file he'd brought from the lab, staring at the face he now had memorized in devilish desire. "I might never find him."  
  
"Find who?"  
  
"Corben... John Corben." Clark sighed and clasped the file to his chest. "I wonder if he'd let me call him Johnny?"  
  
"What the hell?" Chloe moved closer and, after a brief struggle, took the file.  
  
"We need to find him." Clark stalked toward the window, smoldering at the city beneath them. "He's out there somewhere."  
  
"I can hardly read it under all the hearts you drew, but... Tess was experimenting on John Corben?"  
  
"How _could_ she?" he growled. "I'll probably take care of her as soon as I have him safe with me."  
  
"And she's experimenting with red kryptonite." She snapped the file shut. "That explains some of this." She moved to him and grabbed him by the jacket. "Okay. Let's get some green stuff and get you back to normal."  
  
He tore away from her. "Damn it, Chloe! He's missing! I found him in the basement of The Talon. And I... I never felt so connected to someone."  
  
She stared up at him. "Usually, the red K brings up some interesting things, but... You're gay now? Usually it took some heavy foreplay for you to ease into it with Davis, so to speak."  
  
"Not like it was that new. I mean, with Lex..." He shook his head. "Johnny's different. Gay, straight... I love him. I'd do anything to find him again. I love his eyes, his stubble, his beautiful, glowing red heart..."  
  
"Okay, we are definitely talking about the Lex thing later with plenty of detail." She nodded. "But now I get it. So John's glowing red heart made you fall in love with him?"  
  
"Don't make this cheap! Maybe I loved him all along. It feels like it." He sighed again and strode to the window. "I don't know why we fought last year."  
  
"Maybe because he was trying to kill you?"  
  
"It all seems so far away now," he breathed heavily, then drew a heart on the glass.  
  
"So you found him in The Talon and then..."  
  
"I tried to attack him at first. I don't even know why now. It's not like he'd ever hurt anyone."  
  
"Except for how he would and could and has. Go on..."  
  
"One moment I was grabbing him and the next... I was grabbing him and... Then he ran away. I just don't understand why."  
  
"Maybe because a giant superpowered man was trying to have sex with him?" She leaned forward. "How much grabbing was there?"  
  
"Well, first I grabbed his shoulders, then we fell in love, then I ran my hands over his sweat-kissed chest and hot tubes pumping the meteor rock that makes my true love live, then I leaned gently forward for true love's first kiss, then he ran away."  
  
"Yeah." She bit her lip. "That's working for me." She grabbed him. "Clark, strip me!"  
  
"No. You were right before. Why waste precious time? I need to find him!" He said with dastardly determination.  
  
"But I'm supposed to help you clear your head, right?"  
  
He eyed her with loathsome lasciviousness, his eyes flashing red. "It might help."  
  
"Then take a minute and ride me like a rickety roller coaster," she said bravely. "You know I'd do anything to help the cause."  
  
He leaned down.  
  
"Wait!" She pushed him away and paced to the middle of the room. "I mean, I know it's not really sex or cheating if it's for the greater good of finding Corben and keeping him safe, but... Get mad at me." she whispered, turning back to him and licking her lips.  
  
"But I'm not mad. I'm lovelorn. And horny."  
  
"Yes, but if you're mad, I can't possibly defend myself when you have your wicked way with me." She closed her eyes and sagged against the desk. "Oh, Clark. You beast, you reprobate! I am helpless against you!"  
  
He moved to her, getting into it now. "Yeah, you are."  
  
She opened one eye as his hands moved up her legs. "You're not mad. I need you to be mad. Then I know I had absolutely no choice."  
  
"But I'm about to have sex. What's there to be mad about?"  
  
She nodded and stood up. "Then here." She moved to her console and pulled up a map on the big screen.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"That's a crapload of kryptonite hidden all over. I've been stockpiling it in case your Kandorian buddies get powers and go nuts."  
  
He nodded. "That makes sense, considering what we saw in the future."  
  
"No, no, no!" She moved to him. "It's dangerous and could kill you. Now rip off my top!"  
  
He shrugged in demonic delight and did so. "How dare you!"  
  
"Good. That's good." She laid back on the desk. "Now rail at me about how deceptive and secretive I am."  
  
"You've been decieving me all these years, you secretive slut!" He tore off her jeans  
  
"Oh, please don't hurt me, Clark!" she pleaded, summoning a cower, then straightened. "Okay. Now tell me I'm just like Tess and how this is war and I'm going to lose."  
  
"All that stuff, too!" He raged, making quick work of her panties and bra, then stopped, sighing. "I really missed seeing you naked."  
  
She smiled. "Same. You should tear off your clothes, too, in a fit of destructive anger."  
  
"What?" He looked down. "This is my super badass outfit. It makes me look broody and complicated. I can't just..."  
  
"How are you more dorky than regular Clark?" She leaned back nakedly. "Fine. Just undress speedily and I'll pretend you ripped it off in a fit of rage. And try to be a little mad, here, for my sake."  
  
"I will."  
  
"Does it help if Oliver knows about the weapons, too? Oliver who I have lots of sex with?"  
  
He stilled, nearly naked. "That does make me kind of mad," he said, eyes flashing, "You're off having sex with everyone but me."  
  
"Pfft! Like one guy. Besides, you could be having sex with Lois."  
  
He chuckled. "Be serious."  
  
She nodded. "Anyway, let's clear your head and have angry, barely consensual sex."  
  
"Sounds good," he said, falling on her with poisonous passion.  
  
"Remember," she said, biting at his neck. "This is totally against my will and I'm only putting up with it to help you."  
  
He slid a hand between her legs. "Got it."  
  
"I'm only wet because I'm determined to help despite how awful this is," she said, gripping his cock.  
  
"Very helpful." His head was already clearing. Or at least all the blood was leaving it and settling south. "Pile Driver?"  
  
"Hurts my neck. I think we should just go missionary."  
  
"After all this time? Now I am getting mad," he said fiendishly, his eyes flashing, then burning as he turned away.  
  
The air smoked and, when it cleared, his symbol was burned into her upper wall.  
  
She sighed. "Guess now Watchtower can match the rest of the city."  
  
"People like seeing my glorious symbol. it makes them sleep safe in their beds and helps me remember all the places I've been awesome at."  
  
"Yeah. You and that kid who tags every mailbox."  
  
"Well, you just want to be boring. I mean missionary, for crying out..."  
  
"Fine, fine. We'll go Earmuffs, then Feedbag, then Headrush..."  
  
"Those are all for you. What about Headrest, Snake Charmer, Plumber..."  
  
"Okay. We'll alternate."  
  
And they did. Segueing into Butterfly, Downstroke, Launchpad, Pirate's Bounty, Prison Guard, a rather difficult bout of Big Dipper, which the desk severely suffered from and a relaxed, if splintery, finish in Victory until Clark's mind, among other things, was completely empty.  
  
"Did it work?" Chloe panted against his chest. "I mean, that's the only reason this happened. That and your brute force."  
  
He rolled over and took her with him. "I don't think there's anything in my head."  
  
"So normal, then," she sighed. "Okay. Give me a minute to hydrate and we'll try again. Maybe a lube run. This might call for Body guard or Jockey or..."  
  
"Wait. I have a thought."  
  
"Oh?" She pouted and rolled off him. "Darn."  
  
"You have green kryptonite stockpiles."  
  
"Yes. And?"  
  
"Well, it's not like there are red kryptonite stockpiles."  
  
"Mores the pity." She frowned. "But John knows he needs it to survive. He might just try the green out."  
  
"Exactly. You're a lifesaver, Chloe." He disappeared, as did his clothes.  
  
"Wait! You were supposed to tell me about you and Lex!" She groaned and fell back among the pieces of her broken desk. "Take what you need and leave. Just like regular Clark."

 

************

 

Clark heard crashing, banging, grunting. Truth be told, it all sounded damned sexy. But that was only because he knew...  
  
His knees weakened with licentious longing as he leaned against the trailer.  
  
He knew that, inside, was the man he loved, lusted after, worshiped and, darn it, just plain liked.  
  
"Damn it," he heard a voice growl... but musically like... like beautiful music. "Fuck this!"  
  
His knees nearly buckled because he did want to fuck this... but not fuck. Nothing so crass. There should be tenderness and spooning and maybe a Vermont wedding. Jimmy and Davis were now running a scenic B&B. They could probably get a honeymoon discount.  
  
"It's not working," the love of his life screamed.  
  
He took a deep breath and jumped up and thew open the doors. "Because it's not what you need," he said, ogling his bare-chested, red-hearted paragon with evil eroticism before he recoiled from the green glow all over.  
  
John turned and, out of NOWHERE, just pushed him out of the trailer. "You stay away from me!"  
  
"Why'd you do that?" Clark righted himself.  
  
"Maybe because you're going to try to have sex with me again."  
  
"Exactly. Why isn't it working?" Clark brushed off his coat. "Is it the coat? Because I can get a leather one in, like, ten seconds if this doesn't do it for you." He just _knew_ leather should have been at the top of the list.  
  
"Maybe I don't want to have sex with you," John growled.  
  
Clark laughed with lustful loathsomeness. "Okay. Let's be serious. I mean... Come on."  
  
"I'm out of here!"  
  
"But I can give you what you need," Clark said, then giggled and dipped his head. "I mean I can... get you what you need." He cleared his throat. "You need red kryptonite. I'll get for you... and then we can talk about how much I'm gonna give it to you."  
  
"Kryptonite?" John jumped down.  
  
"Oh.... I meant meteor rock, for civilians."  
  
"You mean there's a red kind, too?" He stared down at his chest. "So that's what..."  
  
Clark smiled. "Oh, yeah. I only get to have it once every few years, but it's good stuff. You get to steal stuff and mouth off and have lots of sex and wear leather and people actually think you're cool for a change."  
  
John nodded. "That sounds okay."  
  
"I can get you some if you just come with me."  
  
"Oh, no!" John backed away again as Clark moved forward. "You just keep away, Loverboy!"  
  
Clark stilled. "We're doing petnames?" He smiled. "I didn't think we were there yet, but I've been trying out a few. Like Daddy Bear. I mean, I'm taller than you, but you give off this comforting kind of..."  
  
"Okay!" John held up a green, glowing vial. "We're not doing pet names and you aren't groping me again and I'm getting out of here, Pervo!"  
  
Clark stared at the ground and backed away, frowning ferociously. "I don't like that pet name."  
  
"Too fucking bad," John said, still brandishing the vial. "Now you just stay there and... just..." He turned and ran.  
  
Clark punched the air and sank to the ground. "Why does he always run away?"  
  
"Maybe because you're coming on too strong."  
  
He jumped and found Zod sitting beside him. "Where'd you come from?"  
  
"Oh, well your blood gave me your powers and now I can stalk you all I want and obsess about you having things I don't and listen to your self important speeches about saving me while I laugh at you behind your back. Just like real brothers do." Zod smiled widely.  
  
"Is that what brothers do?"  
  
Zod shrugged. "Hell if I know. But it seems about right."  
  
Clark shrugged as well. "I guess." He sighed with devilish despondency. "But there's only one man I want stalking me. He's the only man I'll ever love. And he's gone."  
  
"Really? Him? I kind of thought, if any man, that Lex chap..."  
  
"No, that didn't count," he cut in quickly.  
  
"But you two did..."  
  
"That's all in the past. This... this is real. This is love. The second I touched him, I knew..." Clark punched the packed dirt with salacious spitefulness. "Oh, what's the use? He's gone forever and now... I guess I'd better go take it out on Chloe."  
  
"Chloe?"  
  
"Yeah, sure. She's always up for it. Venting, misplaced anger, hours of acrobatic sex..."  
  
"Who's she?" Zod asked with interest.  
  
"Chloe... you know... She used to be a reporter, sidekick, and best friend, now she's demoted to dispatcher..."  
  
Zod pursed his lips. "Doesn't ring a bell."  
  
"Come on, Chloe... Hoarding kryptonite weapons in case you and your gang ever try to rule the world?"  
  
"Nope. Really can't place..."  
  
"In an alternate future, she led the human uprising and got killed by one of your minions and..."  
  
"Just drawing a blank."  
  
"She's been making all the IDs for you and the others..."  
  
"Oh, Chloe!" Zod snapped his fingers. "That's the one. She must be nice. Bang up job on those IDs. I always fancied Leitenant Zurg-Raf had the air of Ohio about him."  
  
"You never met her?"  
  
Zod shrugged. "No. Seems kind of stupid, now I think about it. Considering she's such an integral part of everything. You'd think I'd have gotten round to actually meeting her."  
  
Clark waved him off with insidious indifference. "Eh, she's punished, been in the corner all year. Don't worry about it."  
  
"Why's that?"  
  
"Lots of stuff." Clark shrugged. "Too smart, hair's not long and shiny enough, terrible writing, but mostly it's because she stopped having sex with me."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Been trying to get in her cousin's pants, but I never end up doing it. It's just not the same."  
  
Zod nudged his side. "I had Tess, you know."  
  
"Yeah?" Clark turned to him. "What's that like?"  
  
"Intense. That woman has ideas. I'm talking whips."  
  
Clark snorted. "Like that even..."  
  
"With green kryptonite tassels."  
  
"Oh, wow. Yeah. Ouch."  
  
"Don't I know it." Zod glanced sideways at him. "Anyway... with you being all uninhibited.... How 'bout you and me do something wild! We could go to Seattle, sit on top of the Space Needle, and make it snow? Might be a ripping good time!"  
  
Clark rolled his eyes. "That sounds like a totally boring waste of inhibition."  
  
Zod considered it. "You're probably right." He stood. "Right. I'll just make mush-mouthed speeches and indulge in extremely boring villainy by myself, then. Shall I?"  
  
"Have fun," Clark said with devilish dismissiveness.  
  
"But might I add... leather. Just a thought."  
  
"Well, I knew that," Clark yelled after Zod as he sped off. "I'm not stupid!"  
  
But maybe he was. He immediately headed to town, thinking of all the minutes he'd wasted. No leather, kidnapping, bar fights, or car theft in all these minutes. No wonder everything was going wrong! But the minute he busted out of a shop window wearing a leather coat that would put Neo to shame, things started going his way.  
  
He saw his sweet Johnny in a dark alleyway, glowing pink in the mist and he nearly ran at him, ready to knock him over with deep, abiding love when he saw John's hand glowing greenly and gesticulating at a woman.  
  
It looked like Lois. But he really couldn't be bothered with that right now. He picked up a trashcan lid and lobbed it.  
  
Unfortunately, it ricocheted off Lois and hit poor John, too.  
  
He sped up and to the figures laying on the ground and bent to check there was a pulse... on Lois, too.  
  
"Sorry, Big Daddy!"  
  
He hefted his one true love up and left the spare.  
  
*****************************  
  
"Finally," Chloe groaned as he burst into the Watchtower, his one true love over his shoulder. "I've been waiting for you to get back so I can save this mess."  
  
"What mess?" He said, gently lowering John... Johnny... Daddy Bear to the couch.  
  
"Our entire horrible situation." She sighed and stared at the floor. "I had my part to play, too. I should have never blamed you for letting Davis run off with Jimmy. Maybe it was true love. Davis certainly put up with Jimmy's cross-dressing better than I ever did. But us... Clark, if you think about it, we shouldn't need anyone else around or a world to save or any other lame excuses to screw like bunnies for hours on end." She glanced up at him with a teary smile. "It's pretty much you, lots of lube and hydration, and me, in the end. It just makes sense."  
  
Something in him leapt at the idea, then he remembered that Chloe wasn't his one true love. "But Daddy Bear..."  
  
"You're on pet names already?" Chloe sighed and moved to her desk. "Looks like you came to me just in time." She pulled out a lead box and slapped it down. "I'm officially coming out of the corner."  
  
"Wha's happningggg..."  
  
Chloe turned to the man on the couch. Clark did one better and rushed to him. "John... Johnny, my love... Daddy Bear, are you okay?" Clark shook him. "Speak to me!"  
  
John's teeth rattled as his eyes opened. "Oh, my God! You again!"  
  
"He's delirious! He thinks I mean him harm. Damn this inhibition! I've hurt my one true..."  
  
"Oh, God!" Chloe rolled her eyes. "Seriously, I can end this now."  
  
"Who says I want it to end?" Clark lashed out with steamy spite. "This is real love."  
  
"No. It's silly. I mean, without the RedK, I'll give you lust and that can be a hell of a lot of fun. But let's create a scenario," Chloe exposited, as was her way, pacing around the room. "Let's say you've been obsessed with the same person for years, then, out of the blue, you pretty much never mention that person again and don't take any time to really get over them and decide you totally love someone else -- once again, out of nowhere. Then this new relationship is pretty much the old relationship rehashed and over-explained and twice as boring and... I mean... How is that a healthy relationship?"  
  
"What does that have to do with me and Daddy Bear?" he asked, cradling him.  
  
"Nothing, actually." Chloe said, shrugging. "Just a general observation."  
  
John pushed Clark away. "Would you get the hell off me?" John stood and backed toward the doors. "I don't know what kind of sick games you two play, but I'm not in."  
  
Chloe sighed. "I knew you'd scare him away." She turned on Clark. "You always over-complicate everything. You know, Davis might not have run off if you'd been less..."  
  
"What? All I want to do is love him without reserve or shame." He turned to John. "Or protection, by the way. I'm pretty much an alien, so if you have any venereal diseases, they won't do me any..."  
  
"There you go again," Chloe cut in. "You don't lead with VD. No one will want you after that."  
  
"Well, I'm not having sex with him anyway," John yelled. "I'm not gay!"  
  
"Like I am," Clark countered.  
  
"Oh, Clark," Chloe shook her head, "Come on, can't you admit that you're just a little..."  
  
"Of course I'm not."  
  
"But Davis..."  
  
"That was protecting the world."  
  
"And Lex." Her eyes widened with interest. "Actually, you haven't explained that, so if you could... with lots of detail and play-by-play..."  
  
"That has nothing to do with me and Daddy Bear!"  
  
John groaned. "Jesus, would you stop calling me that, Pervo?"  
  
He leaned to Chloe. "We're still working out the nicknames." He turned to John. "But I could live with Pervo if I knew you meant it lovingly."  
  
John growled. "I don't mean it lovingly. I don't love you. And I'm leaving."  
  
Chloe moved in front of him. "Listen, John. Here's the good news, your new heart doesn't need refueling like the old one. You should probably be okay."  
  
He stared at her suspiciously. "And the bad?"  
  
"Your heart is made of a substance that effects Clark heavily."  
  
"Yeah, yeah. I'm getting that now," John gruff-voiced with a wave. "Leather, stealing and people think he's cool."  
  
"And sexy," Chloe added. "And normally, that wouldn't be a problem, except the traces of red K in that lab got into his system and are responding to your heart. So, naturally, he's madly in love with you. But once I fix him, he should stop stalking you." She held up a hand. "But just a tip -- if you do bad things and he comes after you, this might happen again. So don't let him touch your heart directly, don't grow your hair long, don't talk about being abandoned by your parents, or ever speak in soft whispers. If you do, even I can't help you."  
  
John eyed her warily. "So you'll fix him and I can go?"  
  
"Sure, as soon as I put a tracking chip in an unnamed part of your body that I can always activate if you go psycho again. I don't think we can let you just leave without some kind of assurance," Chloe said with resignation. "I mean. last time you were out, you went on a rampage, tried to kill Clark, kidnapped my cousin..."  
  
"That doesn't matter! Stop haranguing the poor man!" Clark moved to embrace him, but John pushed him away.  
  
"No. Fine. Whatever. I'm dangerous. Put a chip in me, but tell the red-blue-blade over there that I am never, EVER having sex with him!"  
  
"Okay, okay..." Clark put his hands up. "We don't have to have sex... ever. I can just..." He sighed heavily, "I can just gaze upon you lustfully while I have sex with her." He nodded to Chloe with erotically evil entitlement.  
  
Chloe put her hands on her hips. "Excuse me?"  
  
"This is just crazy," John exploded.  
  
"Fine," Clark groaned. "I can gaze on you lustfully while **you** have sex with her." He raised his hand. "With masturbation rights."  
  
Chloe threw up her hands. "Shouldn't I have a say?"  
  
John nodded and glanced at Chloe. "I think I can deal with that."  
  
"Am I a sex toy now?"  
  
"Of course not, Chloe," Clark said with loathsome lustfulness. "You're my best ally and whatever. Now will you please have sex with someone?"  
  
"Well, I'm not having sex with anyone until I fix this." She stomped back to her desk and picked up the lead box. "Starting with you," she said. advancing on Clark as she opened it.  
  
He gasped and dropped to the ground in the green glow, thankfully not openly displaying the lengthy constipated look that accompanied greenK exposure... to save time.  
  
She closed the box and bent to him. "Clark? How do you feel?"  
  
"Repressed, judgmental, and strangely," he smacked his lips and sat up, "like a tool in some ongoing conspiracy to milk a concept until it's nothing more than a dry husk of its former self."  
  
"So back to normal," Chloe said with a sigh of relief. "Can we all strip now?"  
  
"What?" Clark marveled valiantly.  
  
"Whaaaaat?" John helpfully added.  
  
"Well, everything's above-board." She pulled off her top. "So we might as well daisy chain to start."  
  
"Oh, cool." Clark stood and moved toward her.  
  
"You getting in here, Johnny?" she called out, twisting back to him.  
  
"Well, I..."  
  
"No," Clark said with lantern-jawed lustiness, back to his noble self. "I'm fine now. No more infection. You can go."  
  
John moved toward Chloe, too. "Well, I don't have anywhere to be..."  
  
Clark pushed John away, taking care not to touch the heart, and pulled Chloe to him. "I thought you said it was going to be you, me, and lube from now on," he pointed out regally. "Making violent love to you just makes sense. But I refuse to have sex with men unless I am protecting the world," he declared with daring determination, "or they're drunk enough that they don't remember."  
  
"Oh. So that explains Lex."  
  
Clark drew back. "I didn't even mention Lex," he deftly denied with dignity. "He has nothing to do with anything! How dare you bring him into this! I'll have you know we hardly ever hugged." He leaned in. "Did Tess say something? Because we all know she's delusional."  
  
"But it does explain a lot of the resentment. I mean, if I had hazy memories of this," she said, sliding a hand down Clark's torso, then into his pants, "then nothing, I'd go evil, too." She tilted her head to one side. "I might even prevent you from being with anyone else. Damn." She sighed and licked Clark's neck. "Now, at last, it all makes sense."  
  
Clark gasped heroically as she bit just behind his ear. "What does?"  
  
"I mean, I might have thought it seemed petty, Lex using all his resources just to keep you and Lana apart. But he just never knew that all this was why," she finished, pushing Clark's lame coat off his shoulder, then making quick work of his absurdly stupid black t-shirt with the chalk outline. "Anyway, don't be silly. We're all having sex."  
  
"But m-men," Clark sputtered stoutheartedly.  
  
John backed away. "Yeah. Sorry. I don't do guys."  
  
"And I only do them with extremely good and selfless reasons," Clark disclosed dauntlessly. "Or if nobody finds out," he added with a heroic hiss.  
  
"I'm not about to do all the work, here," Chloe moaned, then looked them over. "Ugh! Fine! Let me see..." She snapped her fingers. "Got it! Clark, I think John needs to be reformed. We're going to have to work at him day and night, pounding sense and goodness into him. I can only do so much," she said, wide-eyed and helplessly. "He needs your leadership and guidance working over every brawny, sweat-kissed inch of him so we can keep the world safe."  
  
Clark drew a deep, dashing breath and glanced sideways at John. "Well... It's only fair that we give him a chance."  
  
"And you..." She grabbed John's face and turned it to Clark. "This is about the prettiest man in the free world. Gay, straight... You have to be insane not to want to at least a little of that."  
  
John opened his mouth to argue, then nodded. "Yeah. She's right."  
  
"I am really pretty," Clark agreed valorously.  
  
"So enough arguing." She pulled off her bra. "Everyone is having sex with everyone, but mostly with me." She turned to Clark. "To keep the world safe, obviously." She moved to John. "And as a condition of your release." She ran her hands up his mutilated chest. "Even when we let you go, you're going to have to report back for parole meetings. If you don't behave, there might be whippings."  
  
John gazed down at her with villainous vehemence. "And if I do behave?"  
  
Chloe rolled her eyes and sighed. "Fine. You can have them then, too." She pulled him down by the neck and licked at his lips before pulling away. "Oh! By the way, I'm Chloe."  
  
"Nice to meet you," he squeaked just a little as her hand snaked down his pants. He stiffened as he felt Clark against his back.  
  
"Don't worry, John." He exclaimed valiantly. "We'll save you from yourself if it takes all night!"  
  
"And several days," Chloe added with satisfaction as John loosened up, slid his face down her chest, and motor-boated. "Just trapped in this tower."  
  
"Starving." Clark lifted his head and moved around John to grope her gallantly from behind. "Unless Dragon Gardens delivers here."  
  
"Oh, they do. Ollie and I..." Her face fell and she drew away from both of them. "I forgot about Oliver."  
  
Clark put a hand comfortingly on her breast. "I don't think we need to worry about him understanding. You see, Oliver went to an all-boys prep school. Plus, he spent a lot of time drinking this year and..."  
  
"I knew it," she said, pulling Clark against her. "My hero."  
  
He grinned gallantly. "Always."  
  
And so it was and always would be. Clark never stopped saving Chloe, forever on her back -- or front -- whenever she needed peerless protection or stalwart saving ... or was bored.  
  
Many villains and heroes entered their lives. And Chloe always believed in the power of good in them. She fought desperately to comfort the fallen as Clark pounded goodness and valor into them. Or she softly comforted fledgling heroes as Clark worked at them tirelessly to mold them to his heroic likeness.  
  
The two of them touched more heroes and villains than any thousand nerds at a Comic Con.  
  
And the world was better for it!  
  
As for Lois... You know, no one kept track. Seriously, they had enough to deal with.  
  
THE END


End file.
